March 29


Although it didn’t surprise me, I had a fair few messages yesterday about my experiences with Rosie.

Yeah, I guess I’m proud of what I did because not everyone would do it (even though I find that hard to get my head around). I suspect most would have used the fact she was “in good hands” as an excuse to absolve themselves of the responsibility.

That’s harsh and judgemental. 

But accurate.

And you know it.

We’ll come back to this.

As far as I was concerned, once Dev had pushed the reality of the situation under my nose, there was no way I could do anything else but whatever I had to do

You could argue I had a choice. But I didn’t, not if I was to be the man I see myself as and lay claim to the courage, confidence, and integrity I do.

And the moment we compromise our own values, what do we become?

Nothing I want to be, that’s for sure.

So I knuckled down and did what I had to do.

And the cost I paid?

To say “my sanity” isn’t too far wide of the mark.

Long story short: if you spend time around mentally ill people you take on their crazy. It’s why if you work in the field you have mandatory “supervision”. 

I didn’t. I foolishly thought I could deal with it myself.

Strong, stubborn, and fucking stupid.

Yup. That’s me.

Ultimately it took its toll on me. 

And in the Spring of 2017 I had "autistic burnout". It's a “thing”, apparently. We get to certain age — typically over 50 — and then the decades of the constant effort of presenting as normal burns us out. I had terrible problems with anxiety for a while and was on escitalopram for several months.

It did the job and I've been off it since November 2017, but the long-term effects of the whole debacle mean all the years of learned-behaviour have gone. And I can't be arsed to learn or recall it all over again (apart from anything else, I don't have the same pressures to "fit in" a young man does).

The knock on effect of all that has meant some massive changes in my life and business — all necessary to avoid shit becoming a problem again.

Which brings me full circle back to my being harsh and judgemental.

Do I regret it?

No. She’s my daughter. You should be prepared to kill and die for your kids. 

You do what you have to do.

And in the rest of life and business?

It’s the same.

If you want to be successful you have to do what needs to be done.

And that always comes at a price.


Sure, there’s shit you can do to reduce the cost (like… get supervision, EBG, you fucking muppet), but there will always be a price to pay.

Take me, now: I can stay a hermit and limit my business; or I can do the shit I need to do to grow it to where I want it to be.

Either way, I’ll pay a price.

If I do nothing, I’ll pay the price of not making the best of myself, and of my and Connor’s biz; and if I follow the plan we’ve laid out, I’ll pay the price I always pay when I travel and engage in “peopling”.

Man, everything comes at a price.

The only question is… given your aims, ambitions, and aspirations… are you prepared to pay it?

Or would you rather stay exactly where you are and pay the highest price of all…

… suffering the pain of regret.

You want to make the best you can of your biz?


Click here for Ground Zero details


P.S. Apropos nothing at all…

… this morning I discovered 0715 is not too early for (obscenely) loud techno. 

I don’t particularly like the music, even, but I find it relaxing and excellent to work to. I suspect the heavy, repetitive beats are good for my poor Aspie brain. Cycling has a similar effect.

Fortunately, we have no neighbours, so no one’s gonna be pissed at the racket.

Maybe I should go to a rave, although I’m not quite sure how I’d react to the crowd. I’m usually OK at concerts, but I haven’t been to one in a while, not since my anxiety first became a problem a couple of years ago.


Click here for Ground Zero details


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