Those were his first words to me.

I laughed, and told him he wasn’t far wrong given my history as a nightclub bouncer.

But we weren’t there to talk tough and reminisce. No, he’s a top sales trainer and we were yakking about the podcast I’m recording with him next week (he apparently thinks I have something useful to share with his audience).

Damned fine fellow. We’re both of the same mind when it comes to positioning and not being seen as your clients’ whipping boy, but when it comes to sales he knows vastly more than I do (which is great, because it means I’ve a shitload to learn from him).

Anyway, at some point in the conversation, as we chewed the fat about the capriciousness of potential clients (and he gave me a short, sharp education in the space of a few seconds, testament to his excellence), he said something and then went quiet.

I didn’t answer. I couldn’t process what he meant.

Then he said, explicitly: “Come on, role play”.

Then I really couldn’t process what he meant. 

See, because of my poorly-developed theory of mind, unempathetic autistic wanker that I am, I find role-play to be almost impossible, especially when I’m supposed to be role-playing the antagonist, someone who typically has a very different attitude and set of values different from my own.

Given time to think and a chance to write it out, I can do a fair job of it because I’m able to work things out using logical deduction based on experience (probably just as well since I’m a fucking copywriter, eh?).

But on the fly?

Forget it. 

I can’t do it. 

My mind just goes blank and that never-silent double-tracking inner-voice yells, “What the ever living FUCK are doing to yourself, EBG?”.

And that’s that (and spare me your dumbfuck rose-tinted ninja NLP bollocks — you may as well tell a blind man to talk positively-think himself into seeing. I wish these dundercunts would get it into their thick heads we are missing the neurological machinery to make all this shit possible. What they need to understand is we often don’t even grasp the concepts, let alone how to implement them. Take role play: I have some abstract idea I’m supposed to be playing the part of an idiot client. But here’s a representation of how my mental conversation with myself plays out: “why would anyone do this? Why would he or she be this way? It makes no sense and I refuse to believe anyone can be that stupid. Nope. I have no idea what’s going on here. Next.” ).

I probably sounded like a complete dick to this chap (so I messaged him afterwards and explained, and he was most gracious about it).

So, what does this mean for you?

Well… the Lord Giveth and the Lord Taketh Away.

Because that very same failing in my theory of mind means your bullshit excuses about why you “can’t” do shit to improve your life and business fall on deaf and uncaring ears.

Don’t get me wrong: if you’re a client I care very much about your success. But I don’t give a fuck about your irrational feelings when it comes to logically sound and empirically-proven marketing and sales strategies.

It means I don’t let you off the hook simply because your mother—in-law says her friend at bingo thinks your prices are too high and you’re twisting yourself into knots about it, thinking it’s in some way relevant to anything important.

A good coach will sense when they’re pushing you too hard and be somewhat sensitive to your feelings.

But I’m no coach of any kind, and I’ll hammer on at you until you do as you’re told or fuck off somewhere to cry in the corner (when even my closest friends take the Hotseat at Elite they often see a side of me they probably wish I’d strangled at birth).

Call it harsh reality.

Call it tough love.

Call it whatever the fuck you like. 

It’s none of my business what you call it.

Because what I call it is effective.

If you think you’ve the spine to deal with my on my terms then join us in the Ground Zero initiative.

And if you don’t… then don’t.

Click here for Ground Zero details

Witheringly,

P.S. If you’re running a SME or, more to his taste these days, a larger, more corporate firm in the technology sector and you want to beef up your sales, hit me up and I’ll put you in touch. 

On t’other hand, if you’re a smaller and more local bricks ’n’ mortar affair and want me and Connor to drag your sorry arse into the 21st Century of business and marketing, you could do a lot worse than join us for the Ground Zero initiative.

Just click below and follow the simple on-screen instructions.

Click here for Ground Zero details